Sunday, February 26, 2012

the life of a warrior - part 1

Hi and welcome to my new blog...

Im Mel, Im 38, a fiance, a mother of 4 and a constant worrier....Ok so maybe stress head would suit better?
I suffer from very mild depression but suffer major anxiety/panic...I am slowly on the road to recovery, and along with other antics, i will post about my days and weeks here. some might be a short line. or a post of motivation. something about weightloss. but mainly, about my waves of recovering from this illness and how my family keep me on my toes. Im sorry if this first post is a bit long winded

I thought I would start a new blog to help my journey along.

A bit about my illness, me, and my zany family.....

Well as I said, im 38. I study photography part time but Im seriously thinking about changing my career to being a teachers aide in special ed units in the main stream school. I moved to WA just under a year ago. About a month before moving here I started having mild anxiety attacks. I pushed through because I didnt know what they were. I just felt dizzy and frazzled all of the time. I mean, my whole life I have been a worry wart, making sure everything is good, making sure my kids are safe, you know the norm, well almost norm anyway. But when preparing to move here they got bad. But because I didnt know what they were, i still pushed through them. When I got to WA they go worse, the attacks had blown out to full blown panic, my whole body would shake, my heart would pound, my hands would sweat, I would feel like I was going to pass out or worse, die... I stopped driving all together, getting behind the wheel of the car was torture. I couldnt leave the house. I couldnt do anything without having someone by my side.
I went to the doctor who prescribed me medication, the first lot made me feel a little better but i got really bad hives, the second lot of medication made me worse, and more depressed. I spoke with my physiologist who told me that medication would just be a bandaid anyway, and that I was better off doing cognitive behavioural therapy. So I gave it a little bit of a try, started taking vitamins and started feeling better. That lasted a whole of a week until I got one of my vitamins stuck in my throat which caused me to build up a fear of taking them. So on the downward spiral I went.

The anxiety crept up, I would get anxious at everything, and because I couldnt do anything for myself I became depressed even more. I depended on people around me to take me places, or come with me, or worse.... do stuff for me. Which in the end, only made things worse. I was fearing the fear, instead of embracing it.

About a month ago. Something in me changed. I got really depressed for the entire weekend. It really scared me. I realised that the only person that could fix me was me. I started grabbing the reigns so to speak. Remembering what a great trainer once taught me "stop the paralysis by analysis, dont think, just do" I started realising that it was my thoughts that were controlling my fears. I was talking myself into it! Now, im not saying by changing my thinking it was a magic pill to get better, but it does help. I have to re-train my thinking, I have to re-train myself to clear my mind and find the inner balance.

So many things have happened to me in the past, I could sit here all day blaming them, but at the end of the day, its what I take out of it to become a better me that matters. So I started looking at myself in the mirror, and telling myself something I like about me every day. I constantly repeat in my head every time I feel weak "I choose to be strong, I choose to stand on my own two feet, I choose to be happy" Its the choices in ones life that makes them grow. God knows I have made bad choices in the past, but I am very slowly starting to learn that its important to not dwell on the past, but to use the bad choices as cryptinite  to fuel a positive future.

After all.... depression and anxiety isnt a sign of weakness, its a sign that you have been strong for too long.

Now onto my zany family. There is never a dull moment in this house! I have my fiance K, who works hard but plays harder (with no artificial substance to aide him), he is the strong silent type, but often throws me off with his incredible support, soft words of guidance, protectiveness, the list could go on. My best friend. A teenage boy, C, who is just as playful as my partner... watching those two play brings tears to my eyes. Little 8 year old girl, H, who is the princess of my world, her personality is so contagious, her funny little random poses that she does as if she was standing in front of a camera, her twin brother, C...C, I will write about often, he has aspergers and keeps this house moving in circles, but we would  not have it any other way. When he smiles, the whole world smiles with him. My step daughter, A, who is also 8...she is just as bad as miss H... LOL

There is never a dull moment in this house hold living with 4 insanely funny comedians. I feel incredibly blessed to have each and every one of them in my life. Busy, and stressful, but sooo blessed.

So basically, this blog will be about me,,,, turning from a worrier to a warrior.

Im not sure how often I will blog, but I will keep it up to date as often as I can. We are preparing to move back home to the gold coast, so Im very excited but anxious about that. Im sure there will be lots to say over the near future.

Thanks for reading