Sunday, September 23, 2012

Week 4 Reflections

What a week it has been. I have had some massive high's and some massive low's.

I know I havn't blogged all week but its been a struggle. 

Last Wednesday  night I had organized to go with some of the girls to try Hot Hula.
The arrangement was that one of the girls would drive by and I would follow her there so that way I could get used to the drive on my own. Anyway, she was running late so I jumped in my car and drove down there myself! I felt like that stupid grinning cat off of alice in wonderland. I had a massive smile on my face the whole way there and back! 
Friday marked fitness test day. I got one of the girls to drive by so I could follow her there. Did my fitness test. But was disappointed to see that even though I had improved on a couple of things. I actually did worse on my run time and push ups.

I have really been struggling emotionally this week. I have had no energy. Sick kids. I have been doing the whole, "I cant be bothered, Im too tired" 
And now its school holidays too, so I have teenagers coming in and out and an 8 yr old and two 9 year olds home. I have only done two training sessions. I have slipped with food a couple of times also. Not really meals, but with snacks. A whole bag of popcorn instead of 1/4. Tim Tams, Home made ice coffee. Things that are really high in calories.

Weigh in Wednesday was a lot better than I had expected. I lost 400 grams. It was TTOM so I was expecting a gain, so Im happy with the small amount of loss. We had to measure this time too. I have lost a total of 12.5cms so far this round. Im pretty happy with that. 7cm of that was off my hips! But I gained .5cm and 1cm on each arm, but I am assuming that is muscle building.

Yesterday and today have been quite full on with my emotions. Some one posted that they were leaving one of the face book pages I am involved in because of all of my negative posts. She didn't name my name, but myself and a few others knew she didn't have to. 
Thing is, she was right. I am very negative. But only a select few know exactly why. 
Sure everyone knows about my anxiety issues in there. But not about everything else that I have going on in my life that causes it most of the time. Thing is. I felt safe posting in there. I could get a virtual hug from friends if I was having a rough day. Im saddened that I dont feel safe to do so anymore.

A wise woman posted today, that we are all on a journey, we all have our ups and downs and most of us have weight issues because we have emotional stuff going on also. I strongly believe that.
I really think that what this woman said (the one that left the group) was harsh. Now at first I was feeling guilty about writing this post and then sharing it. But why should I? This is MY blog, with MY journey! I shouldnt have to feel guilty about writing my emotions. This woman put me down then left. Which was cowardly in itself. But I allowed her to. I was the first person to comment, and I commented by apologizing to her. Why should I apologize for being down? For asking for support? 
But it wasnt only her. She started a band of people that also commented agreeing. One of them, I thought we were friends! Which is going to make my experience harder now that I know that she really doesnt like me at all! That is one of the things about yesterday that hurt the most.
I left the group. 
I didnt want to continue bringing people down and "being so negative and unsupportive"
Unsupportive? Me? They obviously dont know me then! Because when I am at boot camp, or some sort of training even, I am the one cheering the person on that is running at the back of the pack, telling them they can do it! I congratulate people on their weight loss. Its not even worth getting angry about it.....

A group of VERY SPECIAL women, sent texts, sent personal messages, posted on my wall, telling me to get back on the wall. And that it is there for everyones ups and downs and to just ignore the people that caused all of this. 
They were right. 
I am fragile. I am for a reason. But I need to learn to stop allowing people to control how I feel. If they dont like me then tough. They are the ones missing out, not me. And obviously if they dont want to get to know me, then they arent the type of people that I want in my life anyway!
This group of women, that I am proud to call my friends. They are such inspirations in my life. 
Our friendships are only new. But they are the type of friends that I would like to have around for a long time. Team mates or not.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Day 21..... Reflections......


Well there it is. The hurdle week. I dont think I made it all the way over. I think I got to the top and watched the view. Ok, Maybe a few steps back down but Im watching the view now.

I have had a really tough week. Things I cant really talk about in here because I dont want some people to read it. But I can say, that I have found myself making life changing decisions, the destination.... has not yet been decided. Its a tough question I have been asking myself for months now, I wish it was a simple yes, do it or no, dont. I just cant make up my mind. And then if I do, Its the fear of everything also.

Anyway enough of my cryptic thoughts. Onto the week that was.

I only trained a couple of times this week. I really struggled with the mental side of things. The negative self talk was taking control. Which was quickly followed by the negative self worth. Beating myself up with, I should be doing this, I should be doing that. Which is quickly followed by, I cant be bothered, Im too tired... My two top excuses.

On Thursday night I had Chinese for dinner. I was going to make the lasagne on Thursday, but I didnt look at the recipe until about 5.30pm and quickly realized it takes 2 hours to make. Too late for the kids to eat so may as well get take out. Friday night the twins had their school disco. It was from 5.30pm - 6.30pm, such a silly time for 9 yr olds. I was planning on the kids eating out so my partner and I would have the steak and veg when we got home. The kids wanted a happy meal on the way to me taking them to their friends house, so into McDonalds I went. Which ended up in me walking out with my own meal. I did actually enjoy the burger and thick shake. The chips were so oily that I didnt end up eating them. But oh boy did I pay for those two take out nights the next day! I was so sick!

Jumped on the scales today to have a sneak peak at the scales to see a 2 kilo gain! Really? I didnt go over my calories that much! I am really hoping that its just bloating and come Wednesday I will be back down to where I was last week. I am really hoping that two days of poor food choices has not turned all of my hard work up side down! I keep doing the math in my head. Both days I was only over my calorie quota by about 400 cals. For me to gain 2 kg I would have to have gone over by 1400 calories! So I am hoping my math is right and that I will be fine!

I  have already said that I only exercised a couple of times this week.  I have been starting to struggle with food too. Not so much eating the wrong things, but not having three stable meals a day. More Im not hungry for a meal so I have been snacking and then just eating dinner, which often results in me being way under my quota for the day. Which is not good for my body.  The days that I have had lunch, I think I am eating the right things. Like a simple, lite ham, lite cheese and tomato toasted sandwich. No butter or marge. No sauces. But I am eating two which makes it too much for lunch. 

This week has taught me a few things. 

I really  need to keep an eye on my portion sizes

Be prepared with my recipies

Plan my meals if there is an even, Even pre cook them where possible

Stop beating myself up so much, at the end of the day this is a journey, and one or two bad days does not mean that I have given up.

I have been talking to my Gold Coast girls and they have been so supportive. The little sayings that they posted for me today are in this post. I love them both so had to share both. I feel that they are so appropriate for me this week.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Day 16- Let the battle begin......

From a massive high to a massive low all with in a period of a couple of days.
I was sooo high on Saturday from training with the girls, to being totally flat and deflated yesterday and today. 
The alarm went off yesterday morning as normal. I really didnt want to get up. I just wanted to curl up and put the covers over my head and pretend that the day had not started already. But I got myself up, reminding myself that if I dont get it done now, then it wont get done.
I applied the 10 minute rule. 
I got to 13 minutes and I physically could not push myself. My calves were cramping in both legs. My whole body was fatigued. I was really struggling.
I decided that I gave it a go. I would allow myself to stop and once the kids had gone to school I would do a dvd.
Well that didnt happen either. I could feel all of the excuses creeping up. Im too tired, I cant be bothered, Ill just give myself today to rest if that is what my body wants.
I was not happy with my decision but I was not going to beat myself up about it.

Today was worse. I didnt even turn my alarm on. I was still awake when my alarm should have gone off. But did I get up? No I did not. I allowed the old me to take over. Im too tired. Ill train later. 
Again, later didnt happen. 

I really need to find a happy medium that works for me. So far getting up early for training did work but it is leaving me exhausted. Why do I allow tiredness to consume me? A lot of other people get up and just put themselves into robot mode to train so why cant I?? 
I could try training after the kids go to school again and see if it works, BUT  I would have to be extremely strict with myself to do that because life had begun at that stage. The negative thoughts have time to creep in. Do I just push through being super tired and hope its just a hurdle or do I find another avenue??

On the upside I have been under my quota for food even tho I havnt been training. So I should still have a loss tomorrow regardless. 

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Day 14 - Reflections

OMG what a day yesterday was! So much achieved!

Yesterday was our finale day for round 2. We (Some of the Gold Coast Go Getters & myself) wanted to challenge our fitness and then celebrate. 

We started the day training with the guys from RAW. These guys are awesome! They also train Margie & Brenda (contestants from the biggest loser).

I started the day extremely anxious. Normally when I feel like that it always ends with "I cant do this Im not going" but not yesterday! I took a few deep breaths and I went! Im so glad I did. It taught me how much stronger mentally and physically I have become. 
By the time I had got there I was trembling, I even said to one of the girls "If I go out side it means im freaking out and I need to stop" but I didnt! The trainer, Adam made warm ups so much fun so I just put my head down and bum up and did what he asked me to do! He had a circuit planned out for us. Pushing a scrubber up and down, walking up and down carrying kettle bells, ab twists holding a medicine ball, lifting big weight bags over our head, flipping a GINORMOUS tractor tyre, lifting an empty keg over our heads, hand cycling, step up jumps onto blocks and of course, kettle bell swings. 
I was petrified at first that I was going to die. But something in me took over and I just focused at the task at hand. And I actually found myself enjoying it quite a lot!

I think I am actually going to look for a cross fit place on the coast so that way I can do it more often. A couple of the girls have said that they are going to drive to Brisbane once a month to train at RAW and I have agreed to go with them. I cant wait!

Here are a couple of photos of me from yesterdays training. Im really sorry about the quality of the photos they were taken on a mobile phone and the zoom quality is really bad. But from the couple I post you can see what I got up to and the determination on my face. 

This is me doing the twisties with the medicine ball

I am absolutely spewing about the quality of this picture! It would of made for a great shot!
But by seeing this you get the general idea

I love the sheer determinate on my face in this photo and the next. You can really see how focused I was through out the day! Man that tyre was heavy!

The look on my face "Take that you stupid tyre" LOL 
I love it!

On the drive home for the first time in a long time my brain and thoughts were empty.
All I could feel was a sense of accomplishment and serenity.

After a quick rest it was time to get ready and go and let my hair down. I had not dressed up, put make up on, styled my hair for a long time so I was looking forward to it. 
I was looking forward to going out to dinner too. 
Something I have not done in a very long time!

I dont think I scrubbed up so bad. I actually look like  a woman LOL

These are some of the lovely ladies that I spent the night and day with. 
They are such inspirational women. 
They support me in what I want to do. I couldnt ask for a better bunch of women to call my team mates and my friends xxx

I had such a lovely dinner. I actually stayed under my calorie quota too. I just had a steak and salad.
But unfortunately, after about 2 or so hours I started feeling really dizzy and like I was going to be sick so I had to call it a day. I didnt eat anything at all before training so I was thinking it was either my bladder infection making me feel sick or that I had done too much on not enough fuel for my body in a day.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Day 12...

I got up like a good little girl and trained. No hesitation at all when the alarm went off.

After Wednesdays lesson I would be surprised if I ever sleep in again. Unless I can of course! 

I have been forgetting to mention the past few posts that my training has been great, so has my food. I noticed looking over my blog today that I havnt even mentioned how the food side of things had been going. I guess thats because really, food hasnt been a big problem. I mean yes im human, I do have small binges but nothing more than going over my calorie quota by no more than 300 cals. Which is a maintain calorie quota for a normal person anyway. I dont know, with my weight loss stuff once I have my eye on the prize, food very rarely is a problem. Its the exercise that I struggle with.
I have even overhauled the kids lunch boxes this time! I have taken all of the sugary crap out and replaced it with healthy snacks. To my surprise they were actually really happy about it. 

Thinking of that, In my children I really do have an amazing little cheer squad there. I have a chalk board on my fridge reminding me of the things I need to do each day. Each afternoon they go through the list and ask me if I have achieved them for the day and if I say no, especially with the driving on my own side of things, I will often get a gentle little "thats ok mummy, practice makes perfect". Each Wednesday morning they get up and ask if I have weighed in and when I tell them my result they will give me a high five. With the dinners they ask if its healthy. And when I say yes their little faces glow with delight. My children are like little sponges. And the path of a healthy life is slowly sinking in. They enjoy it and it sets my mind at ease knowing that they wont have a childhood being teased of obesity like I did in primary and high school. They enjoy coming to boot camp with me on the weekends too and often ask if they can run around with me. They even joined in with training with Margie a few weekends ago. 

The "Gold Coast Go Getters" have a massive training session tomorrow in Brisbane. I will be going and participating. Im actually pretty excited. But I also have that double sided sword going on. I did commit to going with the girls and leaving Karl at home. Learn to stand on my own two feet and to just enjoy some time away with the girls. But I have come down with a bladder infection which is making me pee ever two seconds (not literally, but very frequently) so of course the anxiety has kicked in. I have now asked Karl to take me to the training because I dont want to be an inconvenience to anyone. Its a big drive to Brisbane and with this infection I would probably need to go to the toilet a couple of times. And knowing that I need to go to the toilet sets my anxiety off, stupid I know but that negative committee in my head likes to have debates. I am telling myself just to explain it to the girls, They want to support my journey, but that little voice inside my head doesnt want to put anyone out. Im so upset with myself right now. I should be fighting this crap and allowing people to help, but everytime I think I can, something happens to tell me I cant.  Im really excited about the dinner and dancing and getting dressed up for a change tomorrow night though. Its been a long time since I have worn make up, dress and high heels. You know, since I have looked like a woman! If your all lucky, I may even take some photos from training and the night out and then post them in Sundays reflective blog :)

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Day 10 - Weigh In Wednesday

What a Yo-Yo of a day.

Its not until I sit here writing this that I forgot to blog about my results for the last week. But Ill write about that soon. First I will go into the days ups, downs, fails and wins. Because it was one of those days!

Well I slept through the alarm again. At first I was pretty good. I accepted it. I told myself I will still get up and dressed and then as soon as the kids go to school I will train. Oh boy was I wrong!
As soon as I got up I knew straight away that I was going to have a bad morning with Connor. My little 9 yr old that is autistic.
I said one thing out of place to him and BAM instant meltdown!! For those that dont understand autism and meltdowns, a meltdown is when the child loses control on his sensors. Think extreme 2 year old temper tantrum and then times it by about 10 and include the strength of a teenager. He started by slamming the door. Then continued to throw himself on the floor, kicking the door, then got up and threw toys around him room. Threw what ever was on top of his drawers onto the floor. All while screaming like he was being murdered. So I tried picking him up to control him and he goes all rigid and heavy and kicks, still while screaming.
Anyway, those sort of things in my morning is exhausting. By the time he went to school I was mentally and physically drained. I had nothing more to give. I couldnt not find one iota of enthusiasm to train at all. 
At first, I was beating myself up about not training. I was trying to tell myself that even going for a walk would make me feel better. But I just couldnt! 
A lot of "here we go again, your going to fail. You cant even push through one day how are you going to do the next 10 weeks?" 
The mental abuse to myself went on. Until I remembered something that Mish said a couple of rounds ago. "We all have slip ups, its how we continue on from them that counts. Just own it and move on"
So thats what I did. I acknowledged that today was a bad day. That I now know that I can not sleep through that alarm no matter how tired I am. I owned that I decided to have the day off of training and I committed to doing a little of extra training each day to make up for it.
That was a big light bulb moment for me.  That I had the mental strength to own it and move on and stop beating myself up about it! 

So onto the good news!

Today was weigh in day! Ready for it??
I lost 1.5 kilos!!! 
To be honest, at first I was kind of disappointed with that number I was expecting more BUT a previous light bulb moment from this round about those numbers on the scales  reminded me that its just a number. A bloody good number! A lot of people work a lot harder than me and get a smaller number. And at the end of the day I am aiming for 3.3 kilo by week 4... that 1.5kg I lost this week is a good way to making that goal!!!

Monday, September 3, 2012

Day 9

Day 9

Well I woke up in a much better mood today. No where near as flat and yuck as what I was yesterday. 
You know, after improving so much over the past week, when I have a bad day, I really feel it more!
But thats ok. I am human. This is a journey. A recovery from illness. Its ok to have bad days, Im allowed them, as long as I dont give up thats the main thing!

I got up to my alarm at 5.30am like normal. Weight training today. I wasnt anxious but I was tired, REALLY tried. But i still got up and did what I needed to do.
Today was no killer session. My whole body hurts. I had zero energy. But I pushed through my weight session and still burnt 423cals which is pretty good for a toning day for me.

All I could think of all session was, oh the pain, it hurts. I repeated in my mind over and over again

"Pain is weakness leaving the body, I want to be strong"

And then I remembered this picture that I saw yesterday. I know that my body will never look like that, my frame is too big, BUT the saying is awesome! Pain just means that I am doing the right things, my body is changing and the exercise im doing is working.

Its weigh in Wednesday tomorrow. Im so excited to see the results on the scales. :)

Day 8 - Week 2 Kick Off

Wowo, week two already! 

Today I have had A day. Woke up to my alarm at 5.30am not wanting to get out of bed but made myself. I was anxious all day. Flat all day. Confused all day. I just didnt want to do anything. 
I got my ass out of bed and MADE myself train. I did the same learn to run & outdoors circuit that I started with last week. You know the one that nearly made me hurl, the one that I had to stop after the 3rd round of the circuit and couldnt do any more. Well today, I did my learn to run, for the first couple of times I ran for 2mins straight! and then I continued outside in the sun again for the circuit. 
I did it! I did all 4 rounds of the circuit and the final blast! Yes, I felt like I was going to be sick again but I DID IT!

Its amazing how far I have physically improve in just a week!

I said to Karl tonight, I need to find a balance, Im so physically exhausted that I struggle with everything else I do through out the day. For once he had some wise words that will stick with me over the next couple of weeks

"Keep on doing what your doing and your body will follow and catch up eventually"

After he said that, I heard Mish's voice in my head. 

"Its the small daily wins that make the big picture at the end"

I will put these words on my wall somewhere, it is about consistency. I mean in having a little bit of a complain that Im so tired I was in no way saying that I wanted to give up. Im just so tired and my body is so sore. But I also have to remind myself, that I have done this before, that I know that week 2 and week 3 are the hardest. Once I get over this hurdle I know that I have achieved getting past the hardest part.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Day 7 - Reflections

WOW! What a week it has been! 

Week one of my journey of becoming well and getting back on track with my weight loss is complete!
A few realizations this week. Im finding that with me trying to become well from this anxiety stuff that I am deep in thought about my life . Not just the negative self talk anymore but thoughts about who I am, who I am becoming and who I would like to be. Learning things about myself as a person, woman, mother, partner, friend. 
I have realized this past week that I put myself down way too much. I want everything to be perfect and I want it to happen now. For me to deal with this, I had to have a really good look at where this behavior had stemmed from. If those sort of behaviors are something that I have taught myself or if it has ingrained in me by someone. It came down to my mother and how she treated me as a child. When I told her I wanted to continue my dance at a professional level she literally slapped me across the face and told me to grow up. That those sort of dreams were not rational thoughts.  So I found myself asking "Am I now setting myself standards that are way to high?" Its great to have goals but as Mish teaches us, they have to be S.M.A.R.T -Specific, Manageable, Achievable, Realistic,Time based. When I was younger, Was my dream of becoming a professional dancer S.M.A.R.T?? I guess I will never know. BUT I do know, that I need to let go of these negative behaviors that have been taught to me at a young age and start thinking of how I want to be as a person. How I want to treat my friends, my partner, my children. The lessons that I want to teach my children. That if their dreams are to be high to teach them the S.M.A.R.T principle and encourage them what I have learnt this past week. That you can do anything that you put your mind to!

Some other things that I have realized this week is that im a better person when I train. I get up "before life starts" and get my training done. I am more organized for the day, I am more calmer, No where near as anxious, I get more done around the house but most importantly, I feel like I have achieved something. 

Those couple of days that I didnt get up to train and left it to later, Thursday when I slept through the alarm, Friday when I could sleep in because I had boot camp and today, because its our day of rest. I really felt the anxiety creeping because I hadnt focused on something and given myself some me time before my daily demands had started. There were a couple of other things I had noticed when I train first thing. I eat breakfast! I dont drink anywhere near the amount of coffee I normally drink through out the day. As I said, I am much calmer, No where near as anxious, I am organized and a lot more productive through out the day. I sleep better. But more important than anything.....When I train, I feel strong with in myself!
 Today was our day of rest. But I did feel like training. I decided to listen to the program laid out for me though and not train. As my morning progressed I felt myself becoming weaker and weaker and becoming more and more anxious. Karl could see that I was getting on edge so suggested that we take Molly our pup down the beach for her first walk. I really didnt want to go. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and go to sleep but I am not that person any more so decided it was a good idea and pushed through it. 
Im so glad I did. We walked for nearly an hour.  While I was walking I realized that I was a bit anxious today because of fathers day. I miss my dad very much. The universe took him from me way too early. 
Molly was funny on the lead for the first little while as pups are, but by the end of the walk she was walking me instead of me walking her. The sun was beautiful, the water was glistening, the salt air, how can you not appreciate such beauty? Need a picture to try and visualize what I was seeing? 


This was my view on our walk!
Happy Fathers Day to all the dads <3