Day 6 - SSS

SSS - Super Saturday Session!!

WOW! what a session! I decided not to follow the plan today, BUT I did decide to take my calorie burn up to 1000 cals. 

In the past, burning 1000 has always been a big struggle for me. I have always gotten to around 700 and burn out, felt tired, my head space would tell me that I cant go any further. Recovery from it would take hours, I would feel sick and shaky and felt like throwing up.

Today was another story!! 

Now, One of my goals is that I WANT to run 500 meters non stop by week 4. So I know I need to work on my running regularly to get to that. Even tho I have had some great sessions this week, I have only done the learn to run program once and did some running at bootcamp yesterday. So here was the plan for today.

I started with a 5 min walk on the treadmill. Then I did the learn to run program for 20mins. In the past while doing the learn to run program I would get to about 15mins in (including the warm up walk) and I would really struggle for the last 10 mins. Today was different. I didnt struggle with it at all. In fact, Week 1 on the learn to run program Mish has us running for 30 secs - 1 min, with a 1 min 30 sec walk in between. I found myself running for 1 min 30 secs - 2 mins with a 1 min walk in between! I really noticed today that once I TOLD myself "right I cant stop until this time", I did it without thinking. I just got the job done. In the past If i had of told myself I have to run, say 1 min 30, even tho, deep down I know I can do more, my mind would see that time and I would start gasping for air. It really is in the mind. My mind is giving in before my body does. So as of Monday, because I KNOW my body is capable of running more, I am going to up myself to week 3 of the running program. See how I go.

Anyway.....

So I walked for 5 mins, learn to run for 20mins then I did a DVD for an hour. Followed by some ab work and a nice stretch.

After my stretch I looked down at my HRM, I had smashed 1043 cals! I had done it. I had not given up, Not once did the thought I CANT come into my head. I just did what I needed to do! 

Recovery was so much quicker. Granted Im tired but who wouldnt be after smashing over 1000 calories!?! Im not shaky, Im not feeling sick,  In fact about an hour later, Im smiling and feeling great!

I will do a refection post tomorrow on how I think the week has gone for me and even tho I said yesterday that I was so please with how far I have come over the past few days, I really have to say it again... From the person I was last week, of not going out, not trying, seeing that dark cloud hanging over my head, to who I am today 6 days later..a totally different person. I have caught myself smiling a few times this week. I have found myself trying to do things that I would normally over think, tell myself I cant, do the whole 'paralysis by analysis' I am starting to feel more confident in myself. And have found myself saying I CAN! and not only saying it. But wanting to!

Day 5

Wow well hasnt this week gone fast? Final training session for the week tomorrow already.

Mixed things around a little today. Gold Coast had a public holiday so "The Gold Coast Go Getters" personal trainer threw an extra boot camp into the mix. A few insights into this and achievements....

Well first achievement was that I went!! I didnt make an excuse I just got in the car and went!

Second achievement is that I drove there and back. Granted Karl was in the car BUT I drove there and back! 

Third achievement is that those evil little cone sprints he has us do, well i didnt stop running until I got to cone 4 normally its cone 3.

Fourth achievement is that I burnt less calories. I was kinda bummed at that until I realized how quick my heart rate had dropped also...which both together means I am getting fitter :) 

The week of training isnt over yet. I have a BIG session tomorrow to end the week off but up until now, I am really pleased with my efforts. I am feeling better in my skin. I am proud that I have been trying every day with everything. I have been sticking to my routine that I made myself. I have been training every day. I have been eating clean every day. I have been working on my CBT. I have been positive! And I am starting the weekend with a massive smile on my face :) 

I feel a change in me and its only been 5 days. Just imagine how far I will come by the end of the 12 weeks!!!

Oh and by the way... a couple of my team mates have talked me into a girls day next Saturday going to Brisbane with them for training without Karl and I have agreed! This will be a BIG test for me, going out with people I dont know very well. But they know what I am like and they are prepared for me which I find really touching. Its really nice to have that support and encouragement. 

Thank you to those two special ladies today. You know who you are. xxxx

Day 4

Well I have noticed a few things today. On how much a MASSIVE difference training first thing in the morning makes. The past couple of days, all I have been thinking is how tired I am, How sore my body is, Could I go the distance of getting up early EVERY day to train. Let me tell you something....

As you all know by now, I have been setting the alarm at 5.30am to train. The first two days I jumped out of bed without hitting the snooze button. Yesterday was a real struggle, I was even saying to myself "oh, ill sleep in now and train once the kids have gone to school" that little determined voice in my head dragged me out of bed..... "JFDI!!!" So up I got...This morning was another story....

Alarm goes off at 5.30am. I hit snooze. I hit snooze again. I hit off with the thought that "Ill just lie here for a second and then Ill get up" .......7am later.... Karl was kissing me goodbye as he had to go to work, as he kissed my forehead he whispered "this is not training".........

My eyes had sprung open, I could hear the pitter patter of little feet in the lounge room, life had begun! 

My twins are challenging to say the least in the mornings. Fighting. Loud. Defiant. Im normally shaking with stress by the time the kids go to school at 8.30am. These past few days, training before they demand my constant attention has made the mornings easier. I have been calmer. 

This morning, I was back to running around like a headless chicken, forcing myself not to pull my hair out. Trying to stay calm until they went to school. 

In the past, In previous rounds. After a morning like that I would of said "I cant be bothered training" 

BUT not today!! I was dressed in my training gear before they left for school, yes, I was stressed but I knew that I would feel better after lifting some heavy weights. Lately, to me, there is nothing better for stress relief than going for a run with your music blaring or lifting some heavy weights, which leaves me feeling strong and in control. This morning this is what I did!!! I kissed my little darlings goodbye. Turned around and went straight to my gym area in the garage, turned my weights training DVD on and did a good session. Let me tell you, there is no better feeling after than that burning feeling that you get deep down in your muscles. Yes, I will hurt tomorrow BUT that pain is for the better, It means that the hard work I am putting in is paying off, and one day soon, I will see those results!

Day 3 - Weigh In Wednesday

Here it is. Weigh In Wednesday. The first weigh in for round 3, 2012.

Before I tell you how I went, I have to say I am really impressed with how my mind set is changing this round. I feel different. Like good things are happening and dare I say it, Im smiling. Now I know a smile on my face does not magically fix my anxiety issues, but it does make it a dam site easier to deal with it. I think my main thing I have to work on with IT is my driving, I have been calm for days. Since training again.

Ok so I bounced out of bed all excited and raring to get on those scales for the first time for this round. Only to see those dreaded numbers. 89.5kg.... thats right I gained 500 grams!

Now normally, I would of thrown my arms up in the air in tears. Asking why have I bothered putting in the hard work? Why have I bothered getting up at 5.30am to train my ass off? Why have I bothered flexing my will power muscle to foods I know I cant eat?? ...... But did I? No. I did not.

Instead I calmly looked at myself and asked what I had done these past few days that could make the number go up instead of down? Did I watch my portion sizes? Yes! Have I trained consistently? Yes! So I know I have done the right thing, what else could it be? Ding Dong... TTOM! Ding Dong....DOMS! Yep both would make the numbers go up. I KNOW that next week, I will have the best loss ever! Normally at TTOM I can easily have a gain of 2kgs, so to only have gone up 500 grams is saying that I have some pretty good numbers coming my way. And if now, then that is ok too because what doesnt show on the scales WILL show in my measurements in 4 weeks time!

The things Mish says are FINALLY sinking in! Its not how good or bad you train. Its not what the numbers say on the scales. Its about eating clean every day, training every day (and even if you dont have a killer of a session then at least you still showed up) being consistent with what you do and if you do the right things. The results WILL follow!

Day 2

Oh I hurt!!

I woke up at 5.30am this morning, I did hit the snooze button and contemplated not getting up because I am so sore, but I argued with myself and got up anyway. Put my training gear on and chucked a weights DVD into the player. It was a battle of the angel and devil on my shoulders the whole session, but I am very proud to say that I did not stop, I didnt not give up. I just kept reminding myself that its only an hour, and then I am done and I can then reward myself with a nice hot Epsom salt bath. oh boy.... I know that I am going to struggle to move tomorrow. So I have decided already that I will do a nice body jam class to loosen myself up. :)

Im really proud of myself for not staying in bed, and then not giving up. My mind set has changed quite a lot this round already. Im ready for a change, Im ready to become the best version of me that I can be. Im ready to take control and be the one in the drivers seat.

My food has been perfect again so far today. I have made my wrap already, ready for lunch. I am having chicken with mustard sauce for dinner with baked tomatoes and asparagus. The family havnt tried this recipe yet so I will be making them eat it :) 

Day 1

WOW what a day! 

Phew Im exhausted!

My day started as planned, and ended as I planned. So Im really happy, im exhausted but im happy.

I set my alarm for 5.30am, Without hesitance I bounced out of bed. Put my training clothes on that I had laid out the night before and got up and trained. I did the Monday Intermediate Out door Circuit. Oh boy, was it tough! I did the 5 min warm up, then learn to run for 20 mins and then, because it was a glorious sunny morning I decided to take the circuit, ab work and stretches out side in my back yard. I was supposed to do 4 rounds of the circuit, but physically I could not do more than 3! Im a bit disappointed I couldnt not push myself do do that last round BUT I did give my all,  did do 3 rounds and I did burn 546 cals in 55 mins! I even got to the point a couple of times during the circuit that I felt like I was going to throw up!! I havnt been like that for a very long time!!

So I know, that doing the out door circuits, is something that I need to do more often so that way I can get back on top of my fitness. I used to love getting out doors and doing them when I first started, I very rarely struggled to do them. So I need to work on that. But after all, I am work in progress :)

My food was perfect! I was starving all day but I did not give in to eating more than I was told to. 

I made the family tuna mornay, I knew I couldnt eat it so I baked some fish and had it with some ratatouille that I had in the freezer from a previous meal.

Task 8 - Measure Up

Ok, Here goes, the figures that I am not happy with! And what is important on the journey that Im on...

Weight....89kg

Chest....89cm

Waist.....84cm

Hips (widest)...104cms

Left Leg....56cms

Right Leg....56cms

Left arm....27cms

Right arm...27cms

Really not happy with these, especially my hips BUT that is why im here, to change my body, right? Every four weeks I will post the updates so you can all see how those numbers change. BUT I can happily say that I finished round 2, 3.6 kgs lighter, and I lost 11cms over all. Those numbers are small in comparison to what I did in my very first round BUT it is a lot better than gaining a couple of kilos like I did in previous rounds. So any loss is a good loss!

There is only one way from here and that is UP!! 

Task 7....The fitness test!!

OH MY GOSH!

I truly surprised myself this round! Last round I did my 1km runs on the treadmill because I didnt want to go out doors because of my anxiety stuff. This round I went out with a couple of my team mates and did it around the lake just like I used to. The last time I did the run out doors I did it in 7mins 59 secs. This time.......

1km run - 6 min 40 secs!!!

I was so surprised to see that time, and stoked! I have been asking for quite some time how do people do their run in 5 mins?? I can see now and it is something I am definitely going to work on this round! Here are the other stats...

Push-ups - 44 in 1min

Ab strength is 3

Wall Sit was 49 secs (I really need to work on this one)

Sit and reach was +3

Except the wall sit im really impressed with how I went. But again, something that I have 12 weeks and beyond to work on.

Task 6 - Organize and Diarize

This was a big one for me. I am shocking with organizing things. I pretty much have in my mind what needs to be done and then just go with the flow. I think in the past this is why I have come unstuck. I would have in my mind, oh i will just train as soon as the kids go to school, but that turns into, oh I will just have this coffee, Ill just do this, which quickly turns into, oh I cant be bothered now.

This time I have marked the school holidays in, which is where I came unstuck last round. Its a busy life having THREE 8 yr olds and a teenager in the house, and after that morning chaos, it gets very exhausting very quickly. When I say three 8 yr olds I mean, my twins and my partners daughter spends the school holidays with us, she is 6 months younger than the twins.

This time round I will be setting the alarm for 5.30am every morning, getting my training in that way I know that I am done, dusted and ready to start the day. I have boot camp booked in for Saturday mornings for my SSS. I have marked my red flag days off and planned around them accordingly. I have diarized menu planning days and shopping days.

I think Im set. It feels so good to be organized. Mish really has taken the thinking out of it for me. All I really need to do is work out what food then family wont eat and adjust the menu there but thats it. All I have to do now is turn up and put in the work!

Task Five - The Kitchen Make Over

I could pretty much say that I could pass the task. My fridge, freezer and cupboards are set and ready to go. I knew the drill, I knew what I had to do so I got rid of the crap. I even went to the extent of getting all the sugary snacks out of the kids lunch boxes and ordering healthy food for them also. They were actually pretty excited about the fact,which says a lot about how much parents are the mentors to their children on their health.

There is a tiny bit of junk still in the house, but I wont be touching it as it is Karls work snacks. He is a manual laborer, 6'5 and slender, you know, one of those lucky people that have a high metabolizm and can eat anything without putting on weight. But I can say that they are tucked away, out of sight out of mind, right?

Task 4 - Say It Out Loud

WOW! I have not felt that empowered for a very long time. In fact, I haven't felt that empowered since I started this journey back in February, 2010!

This is my commitment 

I commit to MYSELF, Mish, My friends, family and team mates that I will lose 10 kilos this round, that I will continue with my CBT to help me in training out doors and with my team members, I will be running 1km non stop by the end of this round but most of all i commit that I WILL NOT give up! I am 100% committed to holding my head high, being positive and doing the hard work it takes to get me there!

I have committed to do this so many times. I have even looked Mish in the eye personally, shook her hand, cried on her shoulder in person! But yet, 5 weeks later found myself falling off the wagon! But this time, I HEARD what Mish said in the video. In the past I had said, oh whats the point in committing to do this? Im just going to fail again like in other rounds. But I heard what Mish said, Just because I fall off the wagon does not mean that I have failed. In fact, I have done more than that, I have now maintained my weight loss of 26 kilos for 2 years. That is not being a failure!

The bottom line, Im committing to becoming well. I had a taste.. a reminder... of what it felt like to be free again, Im prepared to put in the work to help me feel like that again! I dont want to be this sad person any more that sits on her backside and says no to everything, then looking at the pictures friends have posted a few hours later wishing I had of gone, regretting that I didnt go. 

Task 3 - Gear Up

I really think this one was a no brainer for me. 

It doesn't take much for me to realize that I spend waaaay too much time indoors!

This round is about me.... about getting well... about being the best that I can be. To do that, I need to concur my fears and get back into doing what I love. And that is training out doors!

When I first started my journey, It was as Mish said, I was on auto pilot, I didnt think, I just did! I got up at 5am every morning, by 5.30am I was out the door, running across the road to the local park/pond where I would run and do the outdoor circuits. I was back in the door by 6.30am ready for Karl to go to work. Where I would finish off my ab work and stretch. It was done, dusted for the day. The chaos of having twins, a child with special needs, a teenager, none of it had begun yet, and I had had time for me, to train, to make myself feel good before anyone demanded anything from me.

I loved training outside, I forgot how much until I went out with some of my team mates last week. I didnt tell them this, but as i was running in the sun, with the water glistening, the birds chirping, I felt and thought "Im free"... Its all I could think of over and over again, in fact, a couple of times I had to stop myself putting my arms out like a bird sawing in the wind! 

I will be that again, It felt so good. 

So this round, that is what I will be working on. To drive down to my old park (which is where we have our boot camp, which I also love) and I will run, I will be free! 

Its not the only thing that I will do tho. I will once again get up at 5am to train and do what Mish's program says to do. That way, if I dont feel like leaving the house, then i know that I have still trained for the day. Me going outdoors for a run, will be an additional thing. Once the kids are at school. Some time to unwind after the morning chaos of rising early to train, then running around and getting kids fed, dressed and ready for school. I can then go out on my own, and run and be free. That way, I am refreshed and recharged for the afternoon. 

I will also be committing to going to bootcamp every weekend. And to any other team event that I can get to. Some more freedom, Some new friends, Some great training and coffee. And a great smile for me :) 

Task two...Take Control - Set Your Goals

Goals have never really worked for me in the past. I have just had an idea in my head and then just gone with the flow. With my anxiety issues, thinking, remembering makes everything an issue so I am going to give it a good go this time and see if planning everything out works.

My goals for this round are based around 3 things. Weight loss, Training... well running actually and My anxiety stuff. Becoming more independent and confident mainly.

1 Month Goals....

To be able to drive to boot camp on my own. 

(Boot camp is about a 5km round trip, at the moment i can only drive about a 1km round trip)

To have a 3.3kg loss

(My goal for the 12 weeks is to lose 10kilos so i need to lose a minimum of 800g per week)

To be able to run 500 meters non stop

(I love running, but my asthma doesnt like me running, neither does my negative head talk)

3 Month Goals...

To be driving confidently on my own 

To be doing shopping confidently on my own

To have lost 10kgs

To run 1km without stopping

6 Month Goals...

To be anxiety free

To be at my goal weight of 74 kilos

To be able to run 5km without stopping

12 Month Goals

To continue being anxiety free

To have maintained my goal weight and be toned and healthy

To be able to run 10km without stopping

So for now, these are  my goals.. I will re assess them as I am going along. See if I need to change them in any way. I guess I will know if they are realistic soon

12WBT- Round 3, 2012 - Pre-Season Task One

Pre-Season Task One

Get Real, No More Excuses

Hey guys and gals. Well here it is the first of the pre season tasks. Well I have certainly waited for the last minute to do these. Round 3 starts tomorrow and this is the first of the pre season tasks that I am working on. My 'excuse' I have been concentrating on working on my anxiety issues and also finishing off round 2.

Ok so my 'excuses that are in my control' are...

Im too tired

I get asthma

Im too scared/anxious

I can't do it

Im not fit enough

I might hurt myself again

The family wont eat some of the food

This time i went into A LOT of thought with this task. Really listening to what Michelle had to say. There are a few things that REALLY stood out at me. The first one, she says often and every time I really feel like she is talking to me.... "Stop the paralysis by analysis, don't think, just do"

This is very much me. I have full intentions on doing something, then I do my normal and go right ahead and over think things, stopping me from achieving what I really can when I put my mind to it!

Another thing that stood out was that she was telling a story of a client that was blaming her for not getting the results that she wanted, until the client realised that she had had everyone doing everything for her. As soon as I did this a light bulb went off in me. This is me, I do have a lot of people doing things for me. Because of my anxiety. So I had to sit back and ask myself why? Why am I so scared all the time? What caused people to start helping me? And the answer came down to my leg injury 2.5 years ago. I got stuck in the middle of no where when I hurt my leg, which caused me no choice but to drive 20mins on my own to the doctors. Once we knew the severity of it, I wasnt allowed to drive on it for 6 months, so everyone drove for me. Every one helped me with shop runs. Every one helped with chores, Every one told me it was ok not to train. Then I moved to WA and I had no one. Of course I was going to get anxiety issues with going out in some where I didnt know on my own. Of course I was going to be scared of driving somewhere I didnt know. I had no support there. Only Karl. So Karl did everything for me. Instead.. I should of held my head up then, and told myself that it was a perfectly normal reaction to be scared. But I didnt, I allowed Karl to do it for me, I enrolled Karl in my excuse. Now it has made it hard to get well. BUT i will not let that stop me. Realising why I am like I am is a great stepping stone. And feels like I have had a weight lifted off of my shoulders.

'external excuses-within my control'

I dont have many of these, and I have ways around them.

Its too hot/ cold

I cant afford it

'External excuses - Out of my control'

Sick kids

Family crisis

Well I have had a few break throughs with this task. On to the next one

Bit long ago but still true.... an update and continuation

Wow that blog was written so long ago. Still all very true, well mainly. A few updates on me, why I now want to blog, Why its been so long since my last post, 12wbt and the contemplations of my crazy mind.

5 months ago we moved back to the gold coast. I would love to say that I feel much better since being back here, but I dont. In fact, things have gotten worse. My anxiety comes and goes, Im slowly learning how to control it, but I still have my days where I dont want to leave the house, or drive. Im not driving on my own, and that last post has kinda helped on where I was and where I need to get myself back to. The depression is controlling my life right now. I have no fight left to stop it either.

I have spent the last 10 weeks back on the 12wbt. With the hope of giving me something to focus on. The first 4 weeks was great, I went great guns, then something happened and I came plummeting down again. This is why I am starting this blog again. To keep me focused and show myself where I have come from, the ramblings that go on in my mind. The things I talk myself out of, or into.

I have just signed up for the next round of the 12wbt also. I really want to give it a good shot. I want to get better, I am so over being this person. So day by day I will post about my wins, my losses, my highs, my lows. My thoughts from preseason task. Motivational pictures that jump up and bite me so I can reflect on them.

I dont want to be the person that says no to group outings anymore and then sits back and wishes I should have gone. So each day I will push myself through each challenge set, I will take my vitamins, I will MAKE myself drive a little on my own and I will MAKE myself get up early and train. That way its done and I cant talk myself out of it. :)

I want to share this motivational picture that touches me.