Sunday, September 23, 2012

Week 4 Reflections

What a week it has been. I have had some massive high's and some massive low's.

I know I havn't blogged all week but its been a struggle. 

Last Wednesday  night I had organized to go with some of the girls to try Hot Hula.
The arrangement was that one of the girls would drive by and I would follow her there so that way I could get used to the drive on my own. Anyway, she was running late so I jumped in my car and drove down there myself! I felt like that stupid grinning cat off of alice in wonderland. I had a massive smile on my face the whole way there and back! 
Friday marked fitness test day. I got one of the girls to drive by so I could follow her there. Did my fitness test. But was disappointed to see that even though I had improved on a couple of things. I actually did worse on my run time and push ups.

I have really been struggling emotionally this week. I have had no energy. Sick kids. I have been doing the whole, "I cant be bothered, Im too tired" 
And now its school holidays too, so I have teenagers coming in and out and an 8 yr old and two 9 year olds home. I have only done two training sessions. I have slipped with food a couple of times also. Not really meals, but with snacks. A whole bag of popcorn instead of 1/4. Tim Tams, Home made ice coffee. Things that are really high in calories.

Weigh in Wednesday was a lot better than I had expected. I lost 400 grams. It was TTOM so I was expecting a gain, so Im happy with the small amount of loss. We had to measure this time too. I have lost a total of 12.5cms so far this round. Im pretty happy with that. 7cm of that was off my hips! But I gained .5cm and 1cm on each arm, but I am assuming that is muscle building.

Yesterday and today have been quite full on with my emotions. Some one posted that they were leaving one of the face book pages I am involved in because of all of my negative posts. She didn't name my name, but myself and a few others knew she didn't have to. 
Thing is, she was right. I am very negative. But only a select few know exactly why. 
Sure everyone knows about my anxiety issues in there. But not about everything else that I have going on in my life that causes it most of the time. Thing is. I felt safe posting in there. I could get a virtual hug from friends if I was having a rough day. Im saddened that I dont feel safe to do so anymore.

A wise woman posted today, that we are all on a journey, we all have our ups and downs and most of us have weight issues because we have emotional stuff going on also. I strongly believe that.
I really think that what this woman said (the one that left the group) was harsh. Now at first I was feeling guilty about writing this post and then sharing it. But why should I? This is MY blog, with MY journey! I shouldnt have to feel guilty about writing my emotions. This woman put me down then left. Which was cowardly in itself. But I allowed her to. I was the first person to comment, and I commented by apologizing to her. Why should I apologize for being down? For asking for support? 
But it wasnt only her. She started a band of people that also commented agreeing. One of them, I thought we were friends! Which is going to make my experience harder now that I know that she really doesnt like me at all! That is one of the things about yesterday that hurt the most.
I left the group. 
I didnt want to continue bringing people down and "being so negative and unsupportive"
Unsupportive? Me? They obviously dont know me then! Because when I am at boot camp, or some sort of training even, I am the one cheering the person on that is running at the back of the pack, telling them they can do it! I congratulate people on their weight loss. Its not even worth getting angry about it.....

A group of VERY SPECIAL women, sent texts, sent personal messages, posted on my wall, telling me to get back on the wall. And that it is there for everyones ups and downs and to just ignore the people that caused all of this. 
They were right. 
I am fragile. I am for a reason. But I need to learn to stop allowing people to control how I feel. If they dont like me then tough. They are the ones missing out, not me. And obviously if they dont want to get to know me, then they arent the type of people that I want in my life anyway!
This group of women, that I am proud to call my friends. They are such inspirations in my life. 
Our friendships are only new. But they are the type of friends that I would like to have around for a long time. Team mates or not.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Day 21..... Reflections......


Well there it is. The hurdle week. I dont think I made it all the way over. I think I got to the top and watched the view. Ok, Maybe a few steps back down but Im watching the view now.

I have had a really tough week. Things I cant really talk about in here because I dont want some people to read it. But I can say, that I have found myself making life changing decisions, the destination.... has not yet been decided. Its a tough question I have been asking myself for months now, I wish it was a simple yes, do it or no, dont. I just cant make up my mind. And then if I do, Its the fear of everything also.

Anyway enough of my cryptic thoughts. Onto the week that was.

I only trained a couple of times this week. I really struggled with the mental side of things. The negative self talk was taking control. Which was quickly followed by the negative self worth. Beating myself up with, I should be doing this, I should be doing that. Which is quickly followed by, I cant be bothered, Im too tired... My two top excuses.

On Thursday night I had Chinese for dinner. I was going to make the lasagne on Thursday, but I didnt look at the recipe until about 5.30pm and quickly realized it takes 2 hours to make. Too late for the kids to eat so may as well get take out. Friday night the twins had their school disco. It was from 5.30pm - 6.30pm, such a silly time for 9 yr olds. I was planning on the kids eating out so my partner and I would have the steak and veg when we got home. The kids wanted a happy meal on the way to me taking them to their friends house, so into McDonalds I went. Which ended up in me walking out with my own meal. I did actually enjoy the burger and thick shake. The chips were so oily that I didnt end up eating them. But oh boy did I pay for those two take out nights the next day! I was so sick!

Jumped on the scales today to have a sneak peak at the scales to see a 2 kilo gain! Really? I didnt go over my calories that much! I am really hoping that its just bloating and come Wednesday I will be back down to where I was last week. I am really hoping that two days of poor food choices has not turned all of my hard work up side down! I keep doing the math in my head. Both days I was only over my calorie quota by about 400 cals. For me to gain 2 kg I would have to have gone over by 1400 calories! So I am hoping my math is right and that I will be fine!

I  have already said that I only exercised a couple of times this week.  I have been starting to struggle with food too. Not so much eating the wrong things, but not having three stable meals a day. More Im not hungry for a meal so I have been snacking and then just eating dinner, which often results in me being way under my quota for the day. Which is not good for my body.  The days that I have had lunch, I think I am eating the right things. Like a simple, lite ham, lite cheese and tomato toasted sandwich. No butter or marge. No sauces. But I am eating two which makes it too much for lunch. 

This week has taught me a few things. 

I really  need to keep an eye on my portion sizes

Be prepared with my recipies

Plan my meals if there is an even, Even pre cook them where possible

Stop beating myself up so much, at the end of the day this is a journey, and one or two bad days does not mean that I have given up.

I have been talking to my Gold Coast girls and they have been so supportive. The little sayings that they posted for me today are in this post. I love them both so had to share both. I feel that they are so appropriate for me this week.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Day 16- Let the battle begin......

From a massive high to a massive low all with in a period of a couple of days.
I was sooo high on Saturday from training with the girls, to being totally flat and deflated yesterday and today. 
The alarm went off yesterday morning as normal. I really didnt want to get up. I just wanted to curl up and put the covers over my head and pretend that the day had not started already. But I got myself up, reminding myself that if I dont get it done now, then it wont get done.
I applied the 10 minute rule. 
I got to 13 minutes and I physically could not push myself. My calves were cramping in both legs. My whole body was fatigued. I was really struggling.
I decided that I gave it a go. I would allow myself to stop and once the kids had gone to school I would do a dvd.
Well that didnt happen either. I could feel all of the excuses creeping up. Im too tired, I cant be bothered, Ill just give myself today to rest if that is what my body wants.
I was not happy with my decision but I was not going to beat myself up about it.

Today was worse. I didnt even turn my alarm on. I was still awake when my alarm should have gone off. But did I get up? No I did not. I allowed the old me to take over. Im too tired. Ill train later. 
Again, later didnt happen. 

I really need to find a happy medium that works for me. So far getting up early for training did work but it is leaving me exhausted. Why do I allow tiredness to consume me? A lot of other people get up and just put themselves into robot mode to train so why cant I?? 
I could try training after the kids go to school again and see if it works, BUT  I would have to be extremely strict with myself to do that because life had begun at that stage. The negative thoughts have time to creep in. Do I just push through being super tired and hope its just a hurdle or do I find another avenue??

On the upside I have been under my quota for food even tho I havnt been training. So I should still have a loss tomorrow regardless. 

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Day 14 - Reflections

OMG what a day yesterday was! So much achieved!

Yesterday was our finale day for round 2. We (Some of the Gold Coast Go Getters & myself) wanted to challenge our fitness and then celebrate. 

We started the day training with the guys from RAW. These guys are awesome! They also train Margie & Brenda (contestants from the biggest loser).

I started the day extremely anxious. Normally when I feel like that it always ends with "I cant do this Im not going" but not yesterday! I took a few deep breaths and I went! Im so glad I did. It taught me how much stronger mentally and physically I have become. 
By the time I had got there I was trembling, I even said to one of the girls "If I go out side it means im freaking out and I need to stop" but I didnt! The trainer, Adam made warm ups so much fun so I just put my head down and bum up and did what he asked me to do! He had a circuit planned out for us. Pushing a scrubber up and down, walking up and down carrying kettle bells, ab twists holding a medicine ball, lifting big weight bags over our head, flipping a GINORMOUS tractor tyre, lifting an empty keg over our heads, hand cycling, step up jumps onto blocks and of course, kettle bell swings. 
I was petrified at first that I was going to die. But something in me took over and I just focused at the task at hand. And I actually found myself enjoying it quite a lot!

I think I am actually going to look for a cross fit place on the coast so that way I can do it more often. A couple of the girls have said that they are going to drive to Brisbane once a month to train at RAW and I have agreed to go with them. I cant wait!

Here are a couple of photos of me from yesterdays training. Im really sorry about the quality of the photos they were taken on a mobile phone and the zoom quality is really bad. But from the couple I post you can see what I got up to and the determination on my face. 

This is me doing the twisties with the medicine ball

I am absolutely spewing about the quality of this picture! It would of made for a great shot!
But by seeing this you get the general idea

I love the sheer determinate on my face in this photo and the next. You can really see how focused I was through out the day! Man that tyre was heavy!

The look on my face "Take that you stupid tyre" LOL 
I love it!

On the drive home for the first time in a long time my brain and thoughts were empty.
All I could feel was a sense of accomplishment and serenity.

After a quick rest it was time to get ready and go and let my hair down. I had not dressed up, put make up on, styled my hair for a long time so I was looking forward to it. 
I was looking forward to going out to dinner too. 
Something I have not done in a very long time!

I dont think I scrubbed up so bad. I actually look like  a woman LOL

These are some of the lovely ladies that I spent the night and day with. 
They are such inspirational women. 
They support me in what I want to do. I couldnt ask for a better bunch of women to call my team mates and my friends xxx

I had such a lovely dinner. I actually stayed under my calorie quota too. I just had a steak and salad.
But unfortunately, after about 2 or so hours I started feeling really dizzy and like I was going to be sick so I had to call it a day. I didnt eat anything at all before training so I was thinking it was either my bladder infection making me feel sick or that I had done too much on not enough fuel for my body in a day.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Day 12...

I got up like a good little girl and trained. No hesitation at all when the alarm went off.

After Wednesdays lesson I would be surprised if I ever sleep in again. Unless I can of course! 

I have been forgetting to mention the past few posts that my training has been great, so has my food. I noticed looking over my blog today that I havnt even mentioned how the food side of things had been going. I guess thats because really, food hasnt been a big problem. I mean yes im human, I do have small binges but nothing more than going over my calorie quota by no more than 300 cals. Which is a maintain calorie quota for a normal person anyway. I dont know, with my weight loss stuff once I have my eye on the prize, food very rarely is a problem. Its the exercise that I struggle with.
I have even overhauled the kids lunch boxes this time! I have taken all of the sugary crap out and replaced it with healthy snacks. To my surprise they were actually really happy about it. 

Thinking of that, In my children I really do have an amazing little cheer squad there. I have a chalk board on my fridge reminding me of the things I need to do each day. Each afternoon they go through the list and ask me if I have achieved them for the day and if I say no, especially with the driving on my own side of things, I will often get a gentle little "thats ok mummy, practice makes perfect". Each Wednesday morning they get up and ask if I have weighed in and when I tell them my result they will give me a high five. With the dinners they ask if its healthy. And when I say yes their little faces glow with delight. My children are like little sponges. And the path of a healthy life is slowly sinking in. They enjoy it and it sets my mind at ease knowing that they wont have a childhood being teased of obesity like I did in primary and high school. They enjoy coming to boot camp with me on the weekends too and often ask if they can run around with me. They even joined in with training with Margie a few weekends ago. 

The "Gold Coast Go Getters" have a massive training session tomorrow in Brisbane. I will be going and participating. Im actually pretty excited. But I also have that double sided sword going on. I did commit to going with the girls and leaving Karl at home. Learn to stand on my own two feet and to just enjoy some time away with the girls. But I have come down with a bladder infection which is making me pee ever two seconds (not literally, but very frequently) so of course the anxiety has kicked in. I have now asked Karl to take me to the training because I dont want to be an inconvenience to anyone. Its a big drive to Brisbane and with this infection I would probably need to go to the toilet a couple of times. And knowing that I need to go to the toilet sets my anxiety off, stupid I know but that negative committee in my head likes to have debates. I am telling myself just to explain it to the girls, They want to support my journey, but that little voice inside my head doesnt want to put anyone out. Im so upset with myself right now. I should be fighting this crap and allowing people to help, but everytime I think I can, something happens to tell me I cant.  Im really excited about the dinner and dancing and getting dressed up for a change tomorrow night though. Its been a long time since I have worn make up, dress and high heels. You know, since I have looked like a woman! If your all lucky, I may even take some photos from training and the night out and then post them in Sundays reflective blog :)

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Day 10 - Weigh In Wednesday

What a Yo-Yo of a day.

Its not until I sit here writing this that I forgot to blog about my results for the last week. But Ill write about that soon. First I will go into the days ups, downs, fails and wins. Because it was one of those days!

Well I slept through the alarm again. At first I was pretty good. I accepted it. I told myself I will still get up and dressed and then as soon as the kids go to school I will train. Oh boy was I wrong!
As soon as I got up I knew straight away that I was going to have a bad morning with Connor. My little 9 yr old that is autistic.
I said one thing out of place to him and BAM instant meltdown!! For those that dont understand autism and meltdowns, a meltdown is when the child loses control on his sensors. Think extreme 2 year old temper tantrum and then times it by about 10 and include the strength of a teenager. He started by slamming the door. Then continued to throw himself on the floor, kicking the door, then got up and threw toys around him room. Threw what ever was on top of his drawers onto the floor. All while screaming like he was being murdered. So I tried picking him up to control him and he goes all rigid and heavy and kicks, still while screaming.
Anyway, those sort of things in my morning is exhausting. By the time he went to school I was mentally and physically drained. I had nothing more to give. I couldnt not find one iota of enthusiasm to train at all. 
At first, I was beating myself up about not training. I was trying to tell myself that even going for a walk would make me feel better. But I just couldnt! 
A lot of "here we go again, your going to fail. You cant even push through one day how are you going to do the next 10 weeks?" 
The mental abuse to myself went on. Until I remembered something that Mish said a couple of rounds ago. "We all have slip ups, its how we continue on from them that counts. Just own it and move on"
So thats what I did. I acknowledged that today was a bad day. That I now know that I can not sleep through that alarm no matter how tired I am. I owned that I decided to have the day off of training and I committed to doing a little of extra training each day to make up for it.
That was a big light bulb moment for me.  That I had the mental strength to own it and move on and stop beating myself up about it! 

So onto the good news!

Today was weigh in day! Ready for it??
I lost 1.5 kilos!!! 
To be honest, at first I was kind of disappointed with that number I was expecting more BUT a previous light bulb moment from this round about those numbers on the scales  reminded me that its just a number. A bloody good number! A lot of people work a lot harder than me and get a smaller number. And at the end of the day I am aiming for 3.3 kilo by week 4... that 1.5kg I lost this week is a good way to making that goal!!!

Monday, September 3, 2012

Day 9

Day 9

Well I woke up in a much better mood today. No where near as flat and yuck as what I was yesterday. 
You know, after improving so much over the past week, when I have a bad day, I really feel it more!
But thats ok. I am human. This is a journey. A recovery from illness. Its ok to have bad days, Im allowed them, as long as I dont give up thats the main thing!

I got up to my alarm at 5.30am like normal. Weight training today. I wasnt anxious but I was tired, REALLY tried. But i still got up and did what I needed to do.
Today was no killer session. My whole body hurts. I had zero energy. But I pushed through my weight session and still burnt 423cals which is pretty good for a toning day for me.

All I could think of all session was, oh the pain, it hurts. I repeated in my mind over and over again

"Pain is weakness leaving the body, I want to be strong"

And then I remembered this picture that I saw yesterday. I know that my body will never look like that, my frame is too big, BUT the saying is awesome! Pain just means that I am doing the right things, my body is changing and the exercise im doing is working.

Its weigh in Wednesday tomorrow. Im so excited to see the results on the scales. :)

Day 8 - Week 2 Kick Off

Wowo, week two already! 

Today I have had A day. Woke up to my alarm at 5.30am not wanting to get out of bed but made myself. I was anxious all day. Flat all day. Confused all day. I just didnt want to do anything. 
I got my ass out of bed and MADE myself train. I did the same learn to run & outdoors circuit that I started with last week. You know the one that nearly made me hurl, the one that I had to stop after the 3rd round of the circuit and couldnt do any more. Well today, I did my learn to run, for the first couple of times I ran for 2mins straight! and then I continued outside in the sun again for the circuit. 
I did it! I did all 4 rounds of the circuit and the final blast! Yes, I felt like I was going to be sick again but I DID IT!

Its amazing how far I have physically improve in just a week!

I said to Karl tonight, I need to find a balance, Im so physically exhausted that I struggle with everything else I do through out the day. For once he had some wise words that will stick with me over the next couple of weeks

"Keep on doing what your doing and your body will follow and catch up eventually"

After he said that, I heard Mish's voice in my head. 

"Its the small daily wins that make the big picture at the end"

I will put these words on my wall somewhere, it is about consistency. I mean in having a little bit of a complain that Im so tired I was in no way saying that I wanted to give up. Im just so tired and my body is so sore. But I also have to remind myself, that I have done this before, that I know that week 2 and week 3 are the hardest. Once I get over this hurdle I know that I have achieved getting past the hardest part.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Day 7 - Reflections

WOW! What a week it has been! 

Week one of my journey of becoming well and getting back on track with my weight loss is complete!
A few realizations this week. Im finding that with me trying to become well from this anxiety stuff that I am deep in thought about my life . Not just the negative self talk anymore but thoughts about who I am, who I am becoming and who I would like to be. Learning things about myself as a person, woman, mother, partner, friend. 
I have realized this past week that I put myself down way too much. I want everything to be perfect and I want it to happen now. For me to deal with this, I had to have a really good look at where this behavior had stemmed from. If those sort of behaviors are something that I have taught myself or if it has ingrained in me by someone. It came down to my mother and how she treated me as a child. When I told her I wanted to continue my dance at a professional level she literally slapped me across the face and told me to grow up. That those sort of dreams were not rational thoughts.  So I found myself asking "Am I now setting myself standards that are way to high?" Its great to have goals but as Mish teaches us, they have to be S.M.A.R.T -Specific, Manageable, Achievable, Realistic,Time based. When I was younger, Was my dream of becoming a professional dancer S.M.A.R.T?? I guess I will never know. BUT I do know, that I need to let go of these negative behaviors that have been taught to me at a young age and start thinking of how I want to be as a person. How I want to treat my friends, my partner, my children. The lessons that I want to teach my children. That if their dreams are to be high to teach them the S.M.A.R.T principle and encourage them what I have learnt this past week. That you can do anything that you put your mind to!

Some other things that I have realized this week is that im a better person when I train. I get up "before life starts" and get my training done. I am more organized for the day, I am more calmer, No where near as anxious, I get more done around the house but most importantly, I feel like I have achieved something. 

Those couple of days that I didnt get up to train and left it to later, Thursday when I slept through the alarm, Friday when I could sleep in because I had boot camp and today, because its our day of rest. I really felt the anxiety creeping because I hadnt focused on something and given myself some me time before my daily demands had started. There were a couple of other things I had noticed when I train first thing. I eat breakfast! I dont drink anywhere near the amount of coffee I normally drink through out the day. As I said, I am much calmer, No where near as anxious, I am organized and a lot more productive through out the day. I sleep better. But more important than anything.....When I train, I feel strong with in myself!
 Today was our day of rest. But I did feel like training. I decided to listen to the program laid out for me though and not train. As my morning progressed I felt myself becoming weaker and weaker and becoming more and more anxious. Karl could see that I was getting on edge so suggested that we take Molly our pup down the beach for her first walk. I really didnt want to go. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and go to sleep but I am not that person any more so decided it was a good idea and pushed through it. 
Im so glad I did. We walked for nearly an hour.  While I was walking I realized that I was a bit anxious today because of fathers day. I miss my dad very much. The universe took him from me way too early. 
Molly was funny on the lead for the first little while as pups are, but by the end of the walk she was walking me instead of me walking her. The sun was beautiful, the water was glistening, the salt air, how can you not appreciate such beauty? Need a picture to try and visualize what I was seeing? 


This was my view on our walk!
Happy Fathers Day to all the dads <3 

Friday, August 31, 2012

Day 6 - SSS

SSS - Super Saturday Session!!

WOW! what a session! I decided not to follow the plan today, BUT I did decide to take my calorie burn up to 1000 cals. 

In the past, burning 1000 has always been a big struggle for me. I have always gotten to around 700 and burn out, felt tired, my head space would tell me that I cant go any further. Recovery from it would take hours, I would feel sick and shaky and felt like throwing up.

Today was another story!! 

Now, One of my goals is that I WANT to run 500 meters non stop by week 4. So I know I need to work on my running regularly to get to that. Even tho I have had some great sessions this week, I have only done the learn to run program once and did some running at bootcamp yesterday. So here was the plan for today.

I started with a 5 min walk on the treadmill. Then I did the learn to run program for 20mins. In the past while doing the learn to run program I would get to about 15mins in (including the warm up walk) and I would really struggle for the last 10 mins. Today was different. I didnt struggle with it at all. In fact, Week 1 on the learn to run program Mish has us running for 30 secs - 1 min, with a 1 min 30 sec walk in between. I found myself running for 1 min 30 secs - 2 mins with a 1 min walk in between! I really noticed today that once I TOLD myself "right I cant stop until this time", I did it without thinking. I just got the job done. In the past If i had of told myself I have to run, say 1 min 30, even tho, deep down I know I can do more, my mind would see that time and I would start gasping for air. It really is in the mind. My mind is giving in before my body does. So as of Monday, because I KNOW my body is capable of running more, I am going to up myself to week 3 of the running program. See how I go.


So I walked for 5 mins, learn to run for 20mins then I did a DVD for an hour. Followed by some ab work and a nice stretch.

After my stretch I looked down at my HRM, I had smashed 1043 cals! I had done it. I had not given up, Not once did the thought I CANT come into my head. I just did what I needed to do! 

Recovery was so much quicker. Granted Im tired but who wouldnt be after smashing over 1000 calories!?! Im not shaky, Im not feeling sick,  In fact about an hour later, Im smiling and feeling great!

I will do a refection post tomorrow on how I think the week has gone for me and even tho I said yesterday that I was so please with how far I have come over the past few days, I really have to say it again... From the person I was last week, of not going out, not trying, seeing that dark cloud hanging over my head, to who I am today 6 days later..a totally different person. I have caught myself smiling a few times this week. I have found myself trying to do things that I would normally over think, tell myself I cant, do the whole 'paralysis by analysis' I am starting to feel more confident in myself. And have found myself saying I CAN! and not only saying it. But wanting to!

Day 5

Wow well hasnt this week gone fast? Final training session for the week tomorrow already.
Mixed things around a little today. Gold Coast had a public holiday so "The Gold Coast Go Getters" personal trainer threw an extra boot camp into the mix. A few insights into this and achievements....

Well first achievement was that I went!! I didnt make an excuse I just got in the car and went!
Second achievement is that I drove there and back. Granted Karl was in the car BUT I drove there and back! 
Third achievement is that those evil little cone sprints he has us do, well i didnt stop running until I got to cone 4 normally its cone 3.
Fourth achievement is that I burnt less calories. I was kinda bummed at that until I realized how quick my heart rate had dropped also...which both together means I am getting fitter :) 

The week of training isnt over yet. I have a BIG session tomorrow to end the week off but up until now, I am really pleased with my efforts. I am feeling better in my skin. I am proud that I have been trying every day with everything. I have been sticking to my routine that I made myself. I have been training every day. I have been eating clean every day. I have been working on my CBT. I have been positive! And I am starting the weekend with a massive smile on my face :) 

I feel a change in me and its only been 5 days. Just imagine how far I will come by the end of the 12 weeks!!!

Oh and by the way... a couple of my team mates have talked me into a girls day next Saturday going to Brisbane with them for training without Karl and I have agreed! This will be a BIG test for me, going out with people I dont know very well. But they know what I am like and they are prepared for me which I find really touching. Its really nice to have that support and encouragement. 

Thank you to those two special ladies today. You know who you are. xxxx

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Day 4

Well I have noticed a few things today. On how much a MASSIVE difference training first thing in the morning makes. The past couple of days, all I have been thinking is how tired I am, How sore my body is, Could I go the distance of getting up early EVERY day to train. Let me tell you something....

As you all know by now, I have been setting the alarm at 5.30am to train. The first two days I jumped out of bed without hitting the snooze button. Yesterday was a real struggle, I was even saying to myself "oh, ill sleep in now and train once the kids have gone to school" that little determined voice in my head dragged me out of bed..... "JFDI!!!" So up I got...This morning was another story....
Alarm goes off at 5.30am. I hit snooze. I hit snooze again. I hit off with the thought that "Ill just lie here for a second and then Ill get up" .......7am later.... Karl was kissing me goodbye as he had to go to work, as he kissed my forehead he whispered "this is not training".........

My eyes had sprung open, I could hear the pitter patter of little feet in the lounge room, life had begun! 

My twins are challenging to say the least in the mornings. Fighting. Loud. Defiant. Im normally shaking with stress by the time the kids go to school at 8.30am. These past few days, training before they demand my constant attention has made the mornings easier. I have been calmer. 

This morning, I was back to running around like a headless chicken, forcing myself not to pull my hair out. Trying to stay calm until they went to school. 

In the past, In previous rounds. After a morning like that I would of said "I cant be bothered training" 

BUT not today!! I was dressed in my training gear before they left for school, yes, I was stressed but I knew that I would feel better after lifting some heavy weights. Lately, to me, there is nothing better for stress relief than going for a run with your music blaring or lifting some heavy weights, which leaves me feeling strong and in control. This morning this is what I did!!! I kissed my little darlings goodbye. Turned around and went straight to my gym area in the garage, turned my weights training DVD on and did a good session. Let me tell you, there is no better feeling after than that burning feeling that you get deep down in your muscles. Yes, I will hurt tomorrow BUT that pain is for the better, It means that the hard work I am putting in is paying off, and one day soon, I will see those results!

Day 3 - Weigh In Wednesday

Here it is. Weigh In Wednesday. The first weigh in for round 3, 2012.

Before I tell you how I went, I have to say I am really impressed with how my mind set is changing this round. I feel different. Like good things are happening and dare I say it, Im smiling. Now I know a smile on my face does not magically fix my anxiety issues, but it does make it a dam site easier to deal with it. I think my main thing I have to work on with IT is my driving, I have been calm for days. Since training again.

Ok so I bounced out of bed all excited and raring to get on those scales for the first time for this round. Only to see those dreaded numbers. 89.5kg.... thats right I gained 500 grams!

Now normally, I would of thrown my arms up in the air in tears. Asking why have I bothered putting in the hard work? Why have I bothered getting up at 5.30am to train my ass off? Why have I bothered flexing my will power muscle to foods I know I cant eat?? ...... But did I? No. I did not.
Instead I calmly looked at myself and asked what I had done these past few days that could make the number go up instead of down? Did I watch my portion sizes? Yes! Have I trained consistently? Yes! So I know I have done the right thing, what else could it be? Ding Dong... TTOM! Ding Dong....DOMS! Yep both would make the numbers go up. I KNOW that next week, I will have the best loss ever! Normally at TTOM I can easily have a gain of 2kgs, so to only have gone up 500 grams is saying that I have some pretty good numbers coming my way. And if now, then that is ok too because what doesnt show on the scales WILL show in my measurements in 4 weeks time!

The things Mish says are FINALLY sinking in! Its not how good or bad you train. Its not what the numbers say on the scales. Its about eating clean every day, training every day (and even if you dont have a killer of a session then at least you still showed up) being consistent with what you do and if you do the right things. The results WILL follow!

Monday, August 27, 2012

Day 2

Oh I hurt!!

I woke up at 5.30am this morning, I did hit the snooze button and contemplated not getting up because I am so sore, but I argued with myself and got up anyway. Put my training gear on and chucked a weights DVD into the player. It was a battle of the angel and devil on my shoulders the whole session, but I am very proud to say that I did not stop, I didnt not give up. I just kept reminding myself that its only an hour, and then I am done and I can then reward myself with a nice hot Epsom salt bath. oh boy.... I know that I am going to struggle to move tomorrow. So I have decided already that I will do a nice body jam class to loosen myself up. :)

Im really proud of myself for not staying in bed, and then not giving up. My mind set has changed quite a lot this round already. Im ready for a change, Im ready to become the best version of me that I can be. Im ready to take control and be the one in the drivers seat.

My food has been perfect again so far today. I have made my wrap already, ready for lunch. I am having chicken with mustard sauce for dinner with baked tomatoes and asparagus. The family havnt tried this recipe yet so I will be making them eat it :) 

Day 1

WOW what a day! 
Phew Im exhausted!

My day started as planned, and ended as I planned. So Im really happy, im exhausted but im happy.

I set my alarm for 5.30am, Without hesitance I bounced out of bed. Put my training clothes on that I had laid out the night before and got up and trained. I did the Monday Intermediate Out door Circuit. Oh boy, was it tough! I did the 5 min warm up, then learn to run for 20 mins and then, because it was a glorious sunny morning I decided to take the circuit, ab work and stretches out side in my back yard. I was supposed to do 4 rounds of the circuit, but physically I could not do more than 3! Im a bit disappointed I couldnt not push myself do do that last round BUT I did give my all,  did do 3 rounds and I did burn 546 cals in 55 mins! I even got to the point a couple of times during the circuit that I felt like I was going to throw up!! I havnt been like that for a very long time!!

So I know, that doing the out door circuits, is something that I need to do more often so that way I can get back on top of my fitness. I used to love getting out doors and doing them when I first started, I very rarely struggled to do them. So I need to work on that. But after all, I am work in progress :)

My food was perfect! I was starving all day but I did not give in to eating more than I was told to. 
I made the family tuna mornay, I knew I couldnt eat it so I baked some fish and had it with some ratatouille that I had in the freezer from a previous meal.

Task 8 - Measure Up

Ok, Here goes, the figures that I am not happy with! And what is important on the journey that Im on...

Hips (widest)...104cms
Left Leg....56cms
Right Leg....56cms
Left arm....27cms
Right arm...27cms

Really not happy with these, especially my hips BUT that is why im here, to change my body, right? Every four weeks I will post the updates so you can all see how those numbers change. BUT I can happily say that I finished round 2, 3.6 kgs lighter, and I lost 11cms over all. Those numbers are small in comparison to what I did in my very first round BUT it is a lot better than gaining a couple of kilos like I did in previous rounds. So any loss is a good loss!

There is only one way from here and that is UP!! 

Task 7....The fitness test!!


I truly surprised myself this round! Last round I did my 1km runs on the treadmill because I didnt want to go out doors because of my anxiety stuff. This round I went out with a couple of my team mates and did it around the lake just like I used to. The last time I did the run out doors I did it in 7mins 59 secs. This time.......

1km run - 6 min 40 secs!!!

I was so surprised to see that time, and stoked! I have been asking for quite some time how do people do their run in 5 mins?? I can see now and it is something I am definitely going to work on this round! Here are the other stats...

Push-ups - 44 in 1min
Ab strength is 3
Wall Sit was 49 secs (I really need to work on this one)
Sit and reach was +3

Except the wall sit im really impressed with how I went. But again, something that I have 12 weeks and beyond to work on.

Task 6 - Organize and Diarize

This was a big one for me. I am shocking with organizing things. I pretty much have in my mind what needs to be done and then just go with the flow. I think in the past this is why I have come unstuck. I would have in my mind, oh i will just train as soon as the kids go to school, but that turns into, oh I will just have this coffee, Ill just do this, which quickly turns into, oh I cant be bothered now.

This time I have marked the school holidays in, which is where I came unstuck last round. Its a busy life having THREE 8 yr olds and a teenager in the house, and after that morning chaos, it gets very exhausting very quickly. When I say three 8 yr olds I mean, my twins and my partners daughter spends the school holidays with us, she is 6 months younger than the twins.

This time round I will be setting the alarm for 5.30am every morning, getting my training in that way I know that I am done, dusted and ready to start the day. I have boot camp booked in for Saturday mornings for my SSS. I have marked my red flag days off and planned around them accordingly. I have diarized menu planning days and shopping days.

I think Im set. It feels so good to be organized. Mish really has taken the thinking out of it for me. All I really need to do is work out what food then family wont eat and adjust the menu there but thats it. All I have to do now is turn up and put in the work!

Task Five - The Kitchen Make Over

I could pretty much say that I could pass the task. My fridge, freezer and cupboards are set and ready to go. I knew the drill, I knew what I had to do so I got rid of the crap. I even went to the extent of getting all the sugary snacks out of the kids lunch boxes and ordering healthy food for them also. They were actually pretty excited about the fact,which says a lot about how much parents are the mentors to their children on their health.

There is a tiny bit of junk still in the house, but I wont be touching it as it is Karls work snacks. He is a manual laborer, 6'5 and slender, you know, one of those lucky people that have a high metabolizm and can eat anything without putting on weight. But I can say that they are tucked away, out of sight out of mind, right?

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Task 4 - Say It Out Loud

WOW! I have not felt that empowered for a very long time. In fact, I haven't felt that empowered since I started this journey back in February, 2010!

This is my commitment 

I commit to MYSELF, Mish, My friends, family and team mates that I will lose 10 kilos this round, that I will continue with my CBT to help me in training out doors and with my team members, I will be running 1km non stop by the end of this round but most of all i commit that I WILL NOT give up! I am 100% committed to holding my head high, being positive and doing the hard work it takes to get me there!

I have committed to do this so many times. I have even looked Mish in the eye personally, shook her hand, cried on her shoulder in person! But yet, 5 weeks later found myself falling off the wagon! But this time, I HEARD what Mish said in the video. In the past I had said, oh whats the point in committing to do this? Im just going to fail again like in other rounds. But I heard what Mish said, Just because I fall off the wagon does not mean that I have failed. In fact, I have done more than that, I have now maintained my weight loss of 26 kilos for 2 years. That is not being a failure!

The bottom line, Im committing to becoming well. I had a taste.. a reminder... of what it felt like to be free again, Im prepared to put in the work to help me feel like that again! I dont want to be this sad person any more that sits on her backside and says no to everything, then looking at the pictures friends have posted a few hours later wishing I had of gone, regretting that I didnt go. 

Task 3 - Gear Up

I really think this one was a no brainer for me. 

It doesn't take much for me to realize that I spend waaaay too much time indoors!
This round is about me.... about getting well... about being the best that I can be. To do that, I need to concur my fears and get back into doing what I love. And that is training out doors!

When I first started my journey, It was as Mish said, I was on auto pilot, I didnt think, I just did! I got up at 5am every morning, by 5.30am I was out the door, running across the road to the local park/pond where I would run and do the outdoor circuits. I was back in the door by 6.30am ready for Karl to go to work. Where I would finish off my ab work and stretch. It was done, dusted for the day. The chaos of having twins, a child with special needs, a teenager, none of it had begun yet, and I had had time for me, to train, to make myself feel good before anyone demanded anything from me.

I loved training outside, I forgot how much until I went out with some of my team mates last week. I didnt tell them this, but as i was running in the sun, with the water glistening, the birds chirping, I felt and thought "Im free"... Its all I could think of over and over again, in fact, a couple of times I had to stop myself putting my arms out like a bird sawing in the wind! 

I will be that again, It felt so good. 

So this round, that is what I will be working on. To drive down to my old park (which is where we have our boot camp, which I also love) and I will run, I will be free! 

Its not the only thing that I will do tho. I will once again get up at 5am to train and do what Mish's program says to do. That way, if I dont feel like leaving the house, then i know that I have still trained for the day. Me going outdoors for a run, will be an additional thing. Once the kids are at school. Some time to unwind after the morning chaos of rising early to train, then running around and getting kids fed, dressed and ready for school. I can then go out on my own, and run and be free. That way, I am refreshed and recharged for the afternoon. 

I will also be committing to going to bootcamp every weekend. And to any other team event that I can get to. Some more freedom, Some new friends, Some great training and coffee. And a great smile for me :) 

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Task two...Take Control - Set Your Goals

Goals have never really worked for me in the past. I have just had an idea in my head and then just gone with the flow. With my anxiety issues, thinking, remembering makes everything an issue so I am going to give it a good go this time and see if planning everything out works.

My goals for this round are based around 3 things. Weight loss, Training... well running actually and My anxiety stuff. Becoming more independent and confident mainly.

1 Month Goals....

To be able to drive to boot camp on my own. 
(Boot camp is about a 5km round trip, at the moment i can only drive about a 1km round trip)
To have a 3.3kg loss
(My goal for the 12 weeks is to lose 10kilos so i need to lose a minimum of 800g per week)
To be able to run 500 meters non stop
(I love running, but my asthma doesnt like me running, neither does my negative head talk)

3 Month Goals...

To be driving confidently on my own 
To be doing shopping confidently on my own
To have lost 10kgs
To run 1km without stopping

6 Month Goals...

To be anxiety free
To be at my goal weight of 74 kilos
To be able to run 5km without stopping

12 Month Goals

To continue being anxiety free
To have maintained my goal weight and be toned and healthy
To be able to run 10km without stopping

So for now, these are  my goals.. I will re assess them as I am going along. See if I need to change them in any way. I guess I will know if they are realistic soon

12WBT- Round 3, 2012 - Pre-Season Task One

Pre-Season Task One
Get Real, No More Excuses

Hey guys and gals. Well here it is the first of the pre season tasks. Well I have certainly waited for the last minute to do these. Round 3 starts tomorrow and this is the first of the pre season tasks that I am working on. My 'excuse' I have been concentrating on working on my anxiety issues and also finishing off round 2.

Ok so my 'excuses that are in my control' are...

Im too tired
I get asthma
Im too scared/anxious
I can't do it
Im not fit enough
I might hurt myself again
The family wont eat some of the food

This time i went into A LOT of thought with this task. Really listening to what Michelle had to say. There are a few things that REALLY stood out at me. The first one, she says often and every time I really feel like she is talking to me.... "Stop the paralysis by analysis, don't think, just do"
This is very much me. I have full intentions on doing something, then I do my normal and go right ahead and over think things, stopping me from achieving what I really can when I put my mind to it!
Another thing that stood out was that she was telling a story of a client that was blaming her for not getting the results that she wanted, until the client realised that she had had everyone doing everything for her. As soon as I did this a light bulb went off in me. This is me, I do have a lot of people doing things for me. Because of my anxiety. So I had to sit back and ask myself why? Why am I so scared all the time? What caused people to start helping me? And the answer came down to my leg injury 2.5 years ago. I got stuck in the middle of no where when I hurt my leg, which caused me no choice but to drive 20mins on my own to the doctors. Once we knew the severity of it, I wasnt allowed to drive on it for 6 months, so everyone drove for me. Every one helped me with shop runs. Every one helped with chores, Every one told me it was ok not to train. Then I moved to WA and I had no one. Of course I was going to get anxiety issues with going out in some where I didnt know on my own. Of course I was going to be scared of driving somewhere I didnt know. I had no support there. Only Karl. So Karl did everything for me. Instead.. I should of held my head up then, and told myself that it was a perfectly normal reaction to be scared. But I didnt, I allowed Karl to do it for me, I enrolled Karl in my excuse. Now it has made it hard to get well. BUT i will not let that stop me. Realising why I am like I am is a great stepping stone. And feels like I have had a weight lifted off of my shoulders.

'external excuses-within my control'

I dont have many of these, and I have ways around them.

Its too hot/ cold
I cant afford it

'External excuses - Out of my control'

Sick kids
Family crisis

Well I have had a few break throughs with this task. On to the next one

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Bit long ago but still true.... an update and continuation

Wow that blog was written so long ago. Still all very true, well mainly. A few updates on me, why I now want to blog, Why its been so long since my last post, 12wbt and the contemplations of my crazy mind.

5 months ago we moved back to the gold coast. I would love to say that I feel much better since being back here, but I dont. In fact, things have gotten worse. My anxiety comes and goes, Im slowly learning how to control it, but I still have my days where I dont want to leave the house, or drive. Im not driving on my own, and that last post has kinda helped on where I was and where I need to get myself back to. The depression is controlling my life right now. I have no fight left to stop it either.

I have spent the last 10 weeks back on the 12wbt. With the hope of giving me something to focus on. The first 4 weeks was great, I went great guns, then something happened and I came plummeting down again. This is why I am starting this blog again. To keep me focused and show myself where I have come from, the ramblings that go on in my mind. The things I talk myself out of, or into.

I have just signed up for the next round of the 12wbt also. I really want to give it a good shot. I want to get better, I am so over being this person. So day by day I will post about my wins, my losses, my highs, my lows. My thoughts from preseason task. Motivational pictures that jump up and bite me so I can reflect on them.

I dont want to be the person that says no to group outings anymore and then sits back and wishes I should have gone. So each day I will push myself through each challenge set, I will take my vitamins, I will MAKE myself drive a little on my own and I will MAKE myself get up early and train. That way its done and I cant talk myself out of it. :)

I want to share this motivational picture that touches me.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

the life of a warrior - part 1

Hi and welcome to my new blog...

Im Mel, Im 38, a fiance, a mother of 4 and a constant worrier....Ok so maybe stress head would suit better?
I suffer from very mild depression but suffer major anxiety/panic...I am slowly on the road to recovery, and along with other antics, i will post about my days and weeks here. some might be a short line. or a post of motivation. something about weightloss. but mainly, about my waves of recovering from this illness and how my family keep me on my toes. Im sorry if this first post is a bit long winded

I thought I would start a new blog to help my journey along.

A bit about my illness, me, and my zany family.....

Well as I said, im 38. I study photography part time but Im seriously thinking about changing my career to being a teachers aide in special ed units in the main stream school. I moved to WA just under a year ago. About a month before moving here I started having mild anxiety attacks. I pushed through because I didnt know what they were. I just felt dizzy and frazzled all of the time. I mean, my whole life I have been a worry wart, making sure everything is good, making sure my kids are safe, you know the norm, well almost norm anyway. But when preparing to move here they got bad. But because I didnt know what they were, i still pushed through them. When I got to WA they go worse, the attacks had blown out to full blown panic, my whole body would shake, my heart would pound, my hands would sweat, I would feel like I was going to pass out or worse, die... I stopped driving all together, getting behind the wheel of the car was torture. I couldnt leave the house. I couldnt do anything without having someone by my side.
I went to the doctor who prescribed me medication, the first lot made me feel a little better but i got really bad hives, the second lot of medication made me worse, and more depressed. I spoke with my physiologist who told me that medication would just be a bandaid anyway, and that I was better off doing cognitive behavioural therapy. So I gave it a little bit of a try, started taking vitamins and started feeling better. That lasted a whole of a week until I got one of my vitamins stuck in my throat which caused me to build up a fear of taking them. So on the downward spiral I went.

The anxiety crept up, I would get anxious at everything, and because I couldnt do anything for myself I became depressed even more. I depended on people around me to take me places, or come with me, or worse.... do stuff for me. Which in the end, only made things worse. I was fearing the fear, instead of embracing it.

About a month ago. Something in me changed. I got really depressed for the entire weekend. It really scared me. I realised that the only person that could fix me was me. I started grabbing the reigns so to speak. Remembering what a great trainer once taught me "stop the paralysis by analysis, dont think, just do" I started realising that it was my thoughts that were controlling my fears. I was talking myself into it! Now, im not saying by changing my thinking it was a magic pill to get better, but it does help. I have to re-train my thinking, I have to re-train myself to clear my mind and find the inner balance.

So many things have happened to me in the past, I could sit here all day blaming them, but at the end of the day, its what I take out of it to become a better me that matters. So I started looking at myself in the mirror, and telling myself something I like about me every day. I constantly repeat in my head every time I feel weak "I choose to be strong, I choose to stand on my own two feet, I choose to be happy" Its the choices in ones life that makes them grow. God knows I have made bad choices in the past, but I am very slowly starting to learn that its important to not dwell on the past, but to use the bad choices as cryptinite  to fuel a positive future.

After all.... depression and anxiety isnt a sign of weakness, its a sign that you have been strong for too long.

Now onto my zany family. There is never a dull moment in this house! I have my fiance K, who works hard but plays harder (with no artificial substance to aide him), he is the strong silent type, but often throws me off with his incredible support, soft words of guidance, protectiveness, the list could go on. My best friend. A teenage boy, C, who is just as playful as my partner... watching those two play brings tears to my eyes. Little 8 year old girl, H, who is the princess of my world, her personality is so contagious, her funny little random poses that she does as if she was standing in front of a camera, her twin brother, C...C, I will write about often, he has aspergers and keeps this house moving in circles, but we would  not have it any other way. When he smiles, the whole world smiles with him. My step daughter, A, who is also 8...she is just as bad as miss H... LOL

There is never a dull moment in this house hold living with 4 insanely funny comedians. I feel incredibly blessed to have each and every one of them in my life. Busy, and stressful, but sooo blessed.

So basically, this blog will be about me,,,, turning from a worrier to a warrior.

Im not sure how often I will blog, but I will keep it up to date as often as I can. We are preparing to move back home to the gold coast, so Im very excited but anxious about that. Im sure there will be lots to say over the near future.

Thanks for reading