Sunday, September 23, 2012

Week 4 Reflections

What a week it has been. I have had some massive high's and some massive low's.

I know I havn't blogged all week but its been a struggle. 

Last Wednesday  night I had organized to go with some of the girls to try Hot Hula.
The arrangement was that one of the girls would drive by and I would follow her there so that way I could get used to the drive on my own. Anyway, she was running late so I jumped in my car and drove down there myself! I felt like that stupid grinning cat off of alice in wonderland. I had a massive smile on my face the whole way there and back! 
Friday marked fitness test day. I got one of the girls to drive by so I could follow her there. Did my fitness test. But was disappointed to see that even though I had improved on a couple of things. I actually did worse on my run time and push ups.

I have really been struggling emotionally this week. I have had no energy. Sick kids. I have been doing the whole, "I cant be bothered, Im too tired" 
And now its school holidays too, so I have teenagers coming in and out and an 8 yr old and two 9 year olds home. I have only done two training sessions. I have slipped with food a couple of times also. Not really meals, but with snacks. A whole bag of popcorn instead of 1/4. Tim Tams, Home made ice coffee. Things that are really high in calories.

Weigh in Wednesday was a lot better than I had expected. I lost 400 grams. It was TTOM so I was expecting a gain, so Im happy with the small amount of loss. We had to measure this time too. I have lost a total of 12.5cms so far this round. Im pretty happy with that. 7cm of that was off my hips! But I gained .5cm and 1cm on each arm, but I am assuming that is muscle building.

Yesterday and today have been quite full on with my emotions. Some one posted that they were leaving one of the face book pages I am involved in because of all of my negative posts. She didn't name my name, but myself and a few others knew she didn't have to. 
Thing is, she was right. I am very negative. But only a select few know exactly why. 
Sure everyone knows about my anxiety issues in there. But not about everything else that I have going on in my life that causes it most of the time. Thing is. I felt safe posting in there. I could get a virtual hug from friends if I was having a rough day. Im saddened that I dont feel safe to do so anymore.

A wise woman posted today, that we are all on a journey, we all have our ups and downs and most of us have weight issues because we have emotional stuff going on also. I strongly believe that.
I really think that what this woman said (the one that left the group) was harsh. Now at first I was feeling guilty about writing this post and then sharing it. But why should I? This is MY blog, with MY journey! I shouldnt have to feel guilty about writing my emotions. This woman put me down then left. Which was cowardly in itself. But I allowed her to. I was the first person to comment, and I commented by apologizing to her. Why should I apologize for being down? For asking for support? 
But it wasnt only her. She started a band of people that also commented agreeing. One of them, I thought we were friends! Which is going to make my experience harder now that I know that she really doesnt like me at all! That is one of the things about yesterday that hurt the most.
I left the group. 
I didnt want to continue bringing people down and "being so negative and unsupportive"
Unsupportive? Me? They obviously dont know me then! Because when I am at boot camp, or some sort of training even, I am the one cheering the person on that is running at the back of the pack, telling them they can do it! I congratulate people on their weight loss. Its not even worth getting angry about it.....

A group of VERY SPECIAL women, sent texts, sent personal messages, posted on my wall, telling me to get back on the wall. And that it is there for everyones ups and downs and to just ignore the people that caused all of this. 
They were right. 
I am fragile. I am for a reason. But I need to learn to stop allowing people to control how I feel. If they dont like me then tough. They are the ones missing out, not me. And obviously if they dont want to get to know me, then they arent the type of people that I want in my life anyway!
This group of women, that I am proud to call my friends. They are such inspirations in my life. 
Our friendships are only new. But they are the type of friends that I would like to have around for a long time. Team mates or not.

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