Sunday, September 2, 2012

Day 7 - Reflections

WOW! What a week it has been! 

Week one of my journey of becoming well and getting back on track with my weight loss is complete!
A few realizations this week. Im finding that with me trying to become well from this anxiety stuff that I am deep in thought about my life . Not just the negative self talk anymore but thoughts about who I am, who I am becoming and who I would like to be. Learning things about myself as a person, woman, mother, partner, friend. 
I have realized this past week that I put myself down way too much. I want everything to be perfect and I want it to happen now. For me to deal with this, I had to have a really good look at where this behavior had stemmed from. If those sort of behaviors are something that I have taught myself or if it has ingrained in me by someone. It came down to my mother and how she treated me as a child. When I told her I wanted to continue my dance at a professional level she literally slapped me across the face and told me to grow up. That those sort of dreams were not rational thoughts.  So I found myself asking "Am I now setting myself standards that are way to high?" Its great to have goals but as Mish teaches us, they have to be S.M.A.R.T -Specific, Manageable, Achievable, Realistic,Time based. When I was younger, Was my dream of becoming a professional dancer S.M.A.R.T?? I guess I will never know. BUT I do know, that I need to let go of these negative behaviors that have been taught to me at a young age and start thinking of how I want to be as a person. How I want to treat my friends, my partner, my children. The lessons that I want to teach my children. That if their dreams are to be high to teach them the S.M.A.R.T principle and encourage them what I have learnt this past week. That you can do anything that you put your mind to!

Some other things that I have realized this week is that im a better person when I train. I get up "before life starts" and get my training done. I am more organized for the day, I am more calmer, No where near as anxious, I get more done around the house but most importantly, I feel like I have achieved something. 

Those couple of days that I didnt get up to train and left it to later, Thursday when I slept through the alarm, Friday when I could sleep in because I had boot camp and today, because its our day of rest. I really felt the anxiety creeping because I hadnt focused on something and given myself some me time before my daily demands had started. There were a couple of other things I had noticed when I train first thing. I eat breakfast! I dont drink anywhere near the amount of coffee I normally drink through out the day. As I said, I am much calmer, No where near as anxious, I am organized and a lot more productive through out the day. I sleep better. But more important than anything.....When I train, I feel strong with in myself!
 Today was our day of rest. But I did feel like training. I decided to listen to the program laid out for me though and not train. As my morning progressed I felt myself becoming weaker and weaker and becoming more and more anxious. Karl could see that I was getting on edge so suggested that we take Molly our pup down the beach for her first walk. I really didnt want to go. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and go to sleep but I am not that person any more so decided it was a good idea and pushed through it. 
Im so glad I did. We walked for nearly an hour.  While I was walking I realized that I was a bit anxious today because of fathers day. I miss my dad very much. The universe took him from me way too early. 
Molly was funny on the lead for the first little while as pups are, but by the end of the walk she was walking me instead of me walking her. The sun was beautiful, the water was glistening, the salt air, how can you not appreciate such beauty? Need a picture to try and visualize what I was seeing? 


This was my view on our walk!
Happy Fathers Day to all the dads <3 

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